The Tiger Solution

Here is a guest post from a fan of Not the Common Fan

The Tiger Solution:

Steve Patterson

January 30, 2010

After several weeks of coverage, analysis and speculation, there is not a resolution or conclusion to the Tiger saga from a public relations perspective.  Certainly, Bill Simmons is sleeping at the wheel. 

The humor of “Tigergate” is not his extramarital affairs, which is a serious matter.  The humor is within the ludicrous, inane animosity and ferociousness the media has incorporated in attacking his personal life.  Yes, he is a public figure.  Yes, he is financially compensated for a carefully crafted image.  But as the old saying goes, “Just because they are sellin’, does not mean you have to be buyin.”  His marriage is a private matter, his behavior is his business.  The media has created a frenzy for the public to become his judge and jury.  

For this, there is only one solution…turn the game, the preposterous and hare-brained frenzy, back onto the media.    

In the mid 90s, there was an event of such seismic proportion, it could not be believed.  An icon of sport, media relation, wholesome persona and All-American values was transformed into an egomaniacal, dastardly, underhanded behemoth of controversy.  Enter “Hollywood” Hogan. 

This is where our friend Simmons has missed the boat.  For all of his clever “Ewing Theories” and “Eff You Seasons”.  The greatest and first ever “Eff You Golf Tour” is right in front of his face and he is not touching it.  This would make the Patriots “Eff You Season” look like “High School Musical”.  I am certainly not as clever or quick to quip as Mr. Simmons, but here is my best shot. 

The parallels are too great and the media situation has made the possibility way too opportunistic. 

A quick recap…Forget the recent Hogan years, but focus on the 80s Hulk Hogan.  He was the epitome of All American.  “Say your prayers take your vitamins, brother!”   For those of us in the generations able to witness Hogan’s ability to bring professional wrestling mainstream and then to turn on the “Hulkamaniacs” by becoming “Hollywood Hogan”, was unfathomable.  Check out this “You Tube” site where the transformation actually took place…the fans reaction is sheer disbelief. 

Tiger Woods needs to go “Hollywood”.

Here is the Ten Steps of What I would Do as a Public Relations Agent for Team Tiger….

1) Schedule an Interview – Yep, the only way to have a true mea culpa in our society today, is to appear on Oprah and talk through the issues.  Make it a huge media event, possibly Pay-per-View.  Seriously, people would pay to see it, so why make it free?  I really think you could sell it for a modest price, like $4.99 – $9.99.  Imagine if it had a Superbowl draw and had 1 million viewers, quick $50-100M in revenue; tell me you do not think that is possible.    

2) Highjack the Interview – Let the first 10-15 minutes move along as planned, seemingly playing along with the Mea Culpa orchestrated event, passive apologies, sighs and head shakes, sorrys and eye rubs.  Then drop the bomb in a huge way……“You know Oprah, I would like to say something (reaching for and placing the required dark sunglasses on his face and bandanna on his head) to all the little people out there who do not have the money I have or the extraordinary good looks I possess, this whole situation has made me realize a new era of The Tiger* is upon the world.  Oprah, Baby** let me tell you and all your little, insignificant viewers something***, The Tiger does not like to be hunted.”   

*  As required in these situations, Tiger must begin referring to himself in the third person, hence “The Tiger”.

            ** As required in these situations, all female media types are referred to as “Baby” or “Doll” or “Honey-Cakes”.  And to think, his first public appearance, he would be soooo cocky and arrogant to call the great Oprah, “Baby”.  Ok, we are definitely getting $9.99 on the replay Pay-per-View.

*** Also, as required in these situations, fans and observers are now insignificant, pathetic, miserable losers who dream to be like The Tiger. 

C’mon, can you imagine, CNN, MSNBC, ESPN and Fox reaction/fallout?  OK, Fox might actually wet their own pants and Rupert Murdoch would dish out $1.5B for the rights to broadcast all PGA events. 

3) Announce his Own Media Relations Team:  The Tiger will need his own media entourage.  It also must be referenced in the third person and an acronym is usually the best method.  So for now, let’s go with The MERIT.  (Media Entourage – Relative Information Team).  Of course, it would have its own tagline, “You do not get to The Tiger unless you have The Merit”). 

The Tiger will need Mean Gene Okerlund to come out of retirement.  Just for the simple reason that there is no better way to start an interview than to say, “You know Mean Gene…”.  The Media Team will travel with him, put together video montages’ in Vegas and at every high roller event they can find.  The Tiger renames his yacht from “Privacy” to “High Profile”. 

4) Announce his Plan to “All the World” – Through The MERIT, The Tiger has to set the stage for his new arrival and dominance.  It has to be shocking; it has to be on the biggest stage.  There has to be commercials and catchphrases well in advance of the event.  Example:  The Tiger will return at the Masters for one reason and one reason only, to claim what is rightfully his.  “You know Mean Gene…The Green Jacket will only need one more fitting for a long, long time.  Let me tell all the Honeycakes and Babies out there.  The Tiger is a 44L, that’s right, and when I say long, you know what I mean.”

 

5)“Caddyshack”: Here is the gameplan…Tiger needs more shock value, something that is so over the top, it leaves the outrageous tabloids with nothing to print. 

  • Tiger Woods had a Caddy.  The Tiger has his “Candies”.
  • The first “Candy” would be Stacy Kiebler, arriving at The Masters, short golf skirt and all.  She is used to the persona gig and would knock it out of the park.  Think of her persona in the wrestling days and all of the suggestive poses and outfits, except now place it in action on the golf course.  She would bend over to place the golf ball on the tee, bend over to get the ball out of the cup, layout in the sand traps, layout at the Oceanside fairways of Pebble Beach for her tan lines, use the ball washer in a suggestive manner, always talk about the importance of proper shafts, you get the idea….
  • Seriously, could you hear Jim Nance covering the Masters, “Well, The Tiger just stepped up to the 1st tee box.  Whoa now…oh my…well, that is something the galley here did not expect.  I am pretty sure that is not Steve Williams, Tiger Woods’ caddie for the past 10 years.  I will have to check, but the PGA may enforce a fine for that young lady’s lack of consideration of the dress code.  Let’s go to commercial.”
  • Of course the commercial is highjacked by The MERIT and the commercial is for Viagra or something…featuring The Tiger and Candy in a golf cart sipping martinis.  “We don’t need it, but some of you pathetic losers might not have the proper equipment to get your dimply balls up and down.  HA HA HA!”  

 

6) Win Big and Call Out the Players – This is the “Eff You Tour” part of the show.  He needs to display his dominance; The Tiger would need a huge win, which would embarrass the Tour.  Think of his watershed moment of the US Open at Pebble Beach and his 15 stroke victory, which destroyed the field.  Following a similar type win, The Tiger now has to embark on a smear campaign of all the other PGA Tour Players.  He has to laugh in a mocking manner every time someone mentions Phil Mickelson as his bitter rival.  “HA HA HA…You know Mean Gene…I have no rivals, I destroy them all, but you got the bitter right.  I bet he is bitter.  What does he have 3 Majors???  I had that before I was able to legally drink.  Speaking of drinking, where is the cocktail waitress?  Candy, get over here, stop lookin’ so damn fine Babydoll, and go get The Tiger some sexy beverages.”  More on the term “sexy” later…

 

7)  Go Global – So everyone knows Cadillac dumped Tiger Woods.  And everyone knows in the wrestling world, nothing is despised more than anything non-American.  Sooo….The Tiger cashes in on an endorsement from Ferrari.  Picture it, he rolls in with Candy in the passenger seat, he pulls onto the first tee of every event like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, the doors open upward, and he steps out with his required corporate tagline.  “You know Mean Gene, the American automakers dumped me, and then they all collapsed because I wasn’t carrying them.  The bailout money did not even help them. ****  So I just called one of my billionaire friends, who called another one of my billionaire friends and now I drive Ferraris and they pay me to do it”*****.  I am a sexy asset to their company.  This is the only way to drive baby, fast, baby, real sexy fast.”******”

**** As required in theses situations, chronological facts are not required, just enough to be close as to infuriate people.

***** As required in these situations, mentioning a vast network of exclusive, ultra-rich fraternity of billionaires is mandatory as to infuriate people even more.

****** As required in these situations, everything in The Tiger’s life has to be sexy, for some reason this really works in the annoyance category.  Actually, he would stop calling the major tour events, “Majors” and start calling them “Sexies”.  An example would be, “You know Mean Gene, this morning when I was brushing my sexy teeth with my sexy toothpaste.  I was thinking after I win my record 19th Sexy , I could win 30 Sexies in all and then it would be The Tiger Sexy Tour.”

8)  Partner in Crime:  The Tiger would need one ally, someone who would be just as over-the-top and in a position to distract and annoy the other players where The Tiger could not.  He could trample putt lines, cough during an opponent backswing, make fart jokes in the galley, place a whoopee cushion in the CBS announcers chair.  Before his acting career, The Rock would be perfect for this role, but he doesn’t have that “It” factor anymore.  Now it would have to be someone else, maybe Stone Cold, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds or Brett Favre (just because).  Actually, it would be really fun to get John Daly in this role somehow, except he is not sexy.   Ok, I got it, this is perfect.  After his ridiculous HOF speech, Michael Jordan fits this character.  Think about it, he is a pseudo-golfer which makes it more annoying because he thinks he is good, but he stinks.  He is in the golf cart smoking victory cigars making jokes about world domination, constantly placing side wagers and then not paying when he loses….yep, it is MJ. 

 

9) A New Move:  Instead of the signature Tiger Woods’ fist pump, The Tiger would need an infuriating little shuffle followed by a long-belligerent high-five regiment with MJ and concluding with kiss on one cheek, kiss on the other cheek, little peck on the lips from Candy.  Of course, this is not used only on great putts, clutch birdies or chip-ins.  We are talking if he puts his golf glove in the correct pocket, if he makes a putt on the practice green, if he passes by an elderly autograph seeker, and obviously if he puts a ball in the water as if to say, “I meant to do that.” 

10) Full Circle:  Provide the Sportsmanship Moment and Oprah:  The “Come-Uppance” – This would be the beginning of the character revival of Tiger Woods and the end of The Tiger.  The inner hero would begin to shed the cocky, arrogant persona.  The love of the game and the fans would play out on the grand golf stage.  It would have to be a playoff at a Major Championship.  He would be pushed to the limit.  This is another example of an event which already occurred in his career.  The US Open Playoff v. Rocco Mediate would be perfect.  The injury, the playoff, the miraculous shots.  For some strange reason, The Tiger would not refer to this Championship as a “Sexy”, it would be a Major, because that is the respect it deserves.  The Tiger would slowly start to revert back to his old championship driven, fiercely competitive self, but respectful of the game and his competitors.  He would fire The MERIT, he would push MJ into a lake and storm off.  (Please do not fire Candy).  But most importantly, Rocco Mediate would win and Tiger would raise Rocco’s hand on the 19th playoff hole and humbly admit defeat with charisma and integrity in tact. 

 

He would return to an episode of Oprah, free of Pay per View.  He would let her call him, “Honeycakes” and close the show with a happy Tiger Woods providing a putting lesson for 3 year olds.  For he was 3 when he first appeared in the public eye, where he had his start on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

Vince McMahon would love it, so would Rupert Murdoch. 

Tiger Woods is dealing with serious life altering issues.  I hope his family life finds a peaceful normalcy.  I hope he recovers from this turmoil, plays great golf and restores or rebuilds his image as a positive role model.  It may not be possible, but America loves to build up, tear down, forgive and cheer again.   

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